Alright. I’m crawling in my skin with desire. I’m wanting my book published. This is merely a desire. This is not healthy detachment. I’m suffering because I want it published and it hasn’t happened yet. I’m suffering because I can’t enjoy the present moment. Something hasn’t come to pass that I desire. ‘Stop wanting it and it will come to pass,’ a calm part of my mind tells me. What? How is that possible? The voice again: ‘Don’t ask how it is possible. Just be in the moment, unattached to your desires and then your desires will be fulfilled.’ These are phrases I’ve heard over the years. And my desire, ultimately, is to enjoy myself. My desire to have peace, every second, will be fulfilled if I forget about what hasn’t happened yet and enjoy what is happening now. This happiness in the present is the ultimate desire. So I have to seek this always. Whatever it takes. Then, in the future you know you’ll be happy because you’ve been enjoying the present. It’s a simple formula. Harder to live. But you have to do whatever it takes. For me, I need to literally sit down and write about desire in order to release future desires, so this is what I’m doing. Excuse me while I continue…
Take a deep breath. Literally like right now. I’ll wait. Now, what do you desire right now? Accept that you desire something. It’s okay. You’ll never stop desiring. Unless you embrace desire. What do you want right now? To keep reading? To go smoke a cigarette? To have sex? What would give you peace or pleasure in this moment?
Remember, sometimes it’s impossible to achieve what you want, in a tangible way, in the moment (This is actually just a belief, but it’s what most people believe. Deepak Chopra, for example, wrote a book literally called The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire so he believes you can achieve what you want instantaneuosly.) You could say, I want to go out to lunch with Brad Pitt. Well, it’s not going to happen today, people. Somebody will probably have lunch with him today. But the fact that you can’t have this—this has to be embraced. You have to say, shit, I want Brad Pitt now, I’m not going to get Brad Pitt, this unfulfilled desire is making my suffer, and so what would bring me peace right now?For me, Ezra, the author of this essay, it’s literally writing these words right now (and now typing them into my computer.) I was crawling in my skin before I started but I actually feel better now. I was crawling in my skin because I wanted something to happen—my friend who is a magazine editor to help me find a publisher for my book—and he wasn’t helping so it was making me suffer. I couldn’t have what I wanted. But, I know that if I can regroup, sit down and do what gives me peace, and just fully acknowledge it then I begin to have faith that my friend will help me, or that it will happen in another way. I know faith is a weird word for the logical minded folks. You can call it confidence or optimism or detachment. A knowing perhaps. Knowing is a nice word because when you acknowledge that you don’t know what’s going to happen, then you begin to know that what you want will happen. Remember, what you want is to have peace, to be happy, to not be suffering. That’s at the core.
Obviously you believe that having lunch with Brad Pitt would be a very joyful, peaceful, desire-fulfilling thing. In reality we have no idea. For example, if Brad got something stuck in his teeth we might be miserable trying to tell him subtly that he has spinach in his teeth. It could be a miserable lunch. You never know. But, if you work on seeking happiness for yourself right now then when you actually do have lunch with the guy you will be able to say, “Brad, listen, I think you’re the greatest and I’m pyched to be eating lunch with you so I want it to be the greatest lunch ever! Therefore, I have to tell you that you have spinach in your teeth.” He, like anybody, will be grateful. You will be grateful. Everybody wins. In the moment, every moment, express your desires, and everyone will be happy.
Now remember, this sounds simple. But it’s not. It’s really hard. But, so is suffering all the time so you might as well try to seek peace. You might as well ask yourself, “What do I want right now.” Do it 100 times a day if you have to. Sometimes I don’t have the answer to this question, myself. When I finish writing this I’m going to have to ask that question, ‘Gee, what should I do now? What would be totally enjoyable right now?’ You can get a very sinking feeling when you can’t even figure this out. Well, I have to let go of the fact that I can’t even figure out what would make me happy in the present moment. That’s when I say, ‘oh well. Fuck it. I don’t know what would make my happy. I guess I’ll just sulk right now. But by the end of the day I hope I have enjoyed it… or at least a couple minutes of it. Or I hope, at some point today, I can figure out what to do with myself that would make me totally happy for just five minutes.’ Once you let go that much you can pretty much say, ‘okay, I suppose that won’t be too hard. By the end of the day (or week if you’re really in a self-loathing state) you will have had five minutes of bliss. Bliss, peace, happiness, is the feeling that what you’re feeling in the moment is going to last forever. There’s no time when you’re blissed out so just five minutes of it is a satisfying dose. It’s a major accomplishment. You should applaud yourself if you have a moment of bliss everyday. If you look back at the end of the day you can probably say to yourself what your five minutes was.
Wow, writing this gave me that. How awesome is that? I’m done. I feel great having accomplished this. Now I can be in a pissy mood for the rest of the day and know I’ve achieved my goal. Great. I rule.
Alright, back to my suffering. Where was I? I don’t even remember.
